ch 5 locker god
Posted by Anonymous on Sat 4th Jan 2020 12:23
raw | new post

Compared with Fated Circle's release.

All Eh's should turn into Huh's. They're not canadian.
At some point I started working on this again and added the sfxs but I realized I decided to skip on that for now.

1 (P103.jpg in tank raws):
panel 3: missing bubble "Ok~"
No. It looks -> Nuh-uh. I heard it's some sort of blessing God.
Let's see...?-> Well... I heard it's the type that binds you to your soul mate for eternity...
The rumor goes... -> After school ends...
That if you -> If you go inside the locker with your lover...
ceremony? -> What ceremony?

2:

3:
change "Get a hold of yourself" -> " Give me a break! "
"Look at what my body has become...!" -> " Try stepping in my shoes! For me, it's... "
This... is kind  -> " It's... really awkward... "
???... -> Gloom...

4:
Paper: Resignation

5:
No, you can't -> No, you may not.
What the hell!? -> Why!? You baldie!
Add "the" before mysterious 7
We can't bestow -> Katami's blessings are our selling point, you know!?
(make blessings bold or italic)
What!? You have no idea -> Take out "on" from "on what", "this" -> "these", "attitude" -> "motive and attitude"
I'm studying right -> I'm studying. I can't focus with all your ruckus.
Katami.. why can't -> Katami, what is this nonsense? Can you not state your reason properly and completely...?
I-I've already -> L-like I said earlier... You see... Umm...

6:
"these past 12 years have made you... frustrated, huh?" -> " You've been frustrated the whole time, the past 12 years, huh? "
(bold/italic frustrated)
insert " like us" after "be with spirits"

7:

8:
Who are you!? -> W-w-who are you!?
Get out -> Get out! Get out right now or...
I-if you -> D-d-divine punish... punishment... umm... uhh...
insert " job " after "clusterfuck"
"So a ghost has come, huh..." -> " It feels like a ghost might appear... "
"Is this guy..." -> " Isn't this guy... "
We teachers are gonna -> Us teachers get blamed if the principal finds out about this...
??? Sigh~
It looks like you -> Seems like you're in a bad mood

9:
"promising man..." -> " Decent guy... "
Being a teacher -> If you're a lolicon teacher, you might as well date a student...
Ah... -> Oh...
"fall in love or have desires!" -> " fall in love with or desire kids! "
"It's just a natural feeling!" -> " It's such a natural feeling! "
Insert " But, " before "humans are different from"
"Just hear me..." -> " Please give me a loli lover only I can see! "

10:
We face the same -> We're both in quite a problem...
She's here!!! -> She caaaaaaame!!!!

11:
A ghost is here! A ghost!!!! -> A ghost came out!! It's heeeeeeere! | Ghost!!! Ghoooost | Help Mommy Mom(my)

12:
I said... Just for -> Like I said... it's just for tonight.
"Think of it as a reward..." -> " It's just a reward... "
I'm telling you... -> " Also, just to let you know......... "

13:
Until the very end, okay....? -> You can't go all the way, okay...?
I feel like I'll detonate into gamma ray bursts just thinking about the stuffy ....
"Umm... Can you show me your breasts too?" -> "Umm.. While you're at it, how about your breasts too?"
"That's alright with me! Those are still developing and I find them cute! I wanna see them!" -> "That's _why_ [italics] I want to see them! They're still developing and that's cute! I wanna see!"

14:
"Nwaaah! I'm gonna get cursed if I touch a God!" -> "Nwaaah! Touching a (loli) [in small letters above the word God] God will curse me...!"
???? *heart thump*
???? *blush*
????? *squeeze*
?? *dart*
???? *shiver*
"Touch me too..." -> "You too..."

15:
??...? *grip...*
???? *heart thump*
?? *fap*
??...? *slide*
"Your breasts are..." -> "Your hands are..."
??? *twitch*
???? *shiver*
??????????? *knead rub touch*
????*squeeze*
?? *twist*

16:
?????*spasm*
?? *fap* [donno if all can be redrawn but it looks possible]
"I'm... | this next, | okay...!?" -> "Over... here next, okay...!?"

17:
????, ????*spasm*
??? *twitch*
???? *shudder*
???? ????*shlik*

18:
???? -> *clench*
???? ???*twitch*
???? ?? *shiver*
?? *fap*
"Have always been feeling this pleasure, huh..." -> "Have been feeling this good, huh..."

19:
?? *blush* [should really be more grip-like for her closing her eyes and bracing herself but it's too hard to figure that out]
"This... really is the last... okay...?" -> "This... really is the end of the end... okay...?"
"At this rate, I'm gonna do it with him..." -> "I should resist, but at this rate..."
"A human..." -> "With a human..."

20:
?? *pant*
"W-wow... I..." -> "W-wow... For the rest of my life..."
"H-hey... You can see without being too close, right? You've been sniffing it for a while now..." -> "H-hey... Move back a little bit... I've felt you sniffing it for a while now..."
??????*squelch~*
?? *shudder*
??? *spasm*
?????? *clench*

21:
??? *spasm*
?? *shudder*
??????? *twist*
?????*knead*
?? *shiver*

22:
In the bubble with "I'm volunteering to be your first man", there should be an additional line (possibly in smaller font) that says "Even though I'm also a virgin..."
"Don't say Katami-chan!" -> "Don't call me Katami-chan!"
"If you'll just put it right here..." -> "If it's just here..." (this should be in smaller font size like raws)

23:
"So much" is unnecessary.
"UH!" -> "UGH!"

24:
"EEH!!?" -> should be "WHA!!?" [also shit editing]
"It's an honest mistake...!" -> "I honestly didn't realize..."
"I'll be careful in pulling it out...!" -> "I'll pull it out slowly! H-here we go..."

25:
"DO IT!" -> "WAIT!" [what the fuck how do you get this translation wrong lmao]
some ?? bubbles untranslated. Should be *pant*

26:
"Thank you so much!!" -> "Thank you very much!!" [either is fine but text-wise very seems better, go with whichever fits better for typesetting]
Add "!" after "teacher"
"this purpose...!" -> "sex...!"

27:
"You're a man so you shouldn't keep on yapping...!" -> "If you're a man you shouldn't keep on yapping...!"
"Oh shit...! I'm about to cum! You don't mind if I do it inside you, right!?" -> "Shit...! I'm about to cum! It's ok if I do it inside, right!?"
"Then it'll be your safe day all year around...!" -> "Then it's your safe day all year round...!"

28:


29:
"I'm in heaven...!" -> "I'm moved...!"
"H-how could he be so cruel...!" -> "W-what a jerk...!"
"Even though... My body can't conceive a baby yet..." -> "Even though... My body can't have a baby yet..."
"I can't take it anymore..." -> "I give up..." [Either is fine, I thought the latter is better because of the tight space]
"W-well then... can I come two more times without pulling it out?" -> "O-ok then... Can we go for a second round without pulling out?"
"Ah~ Ah... | I've become such a bad girl..." -> "Oh great... | I've become such a bad girl..."
"Y... | Yes...! | Of course!" -> "S... | Sure...! | I can!"

30:
bubble at the top with *rub*s should be *sniff*s
"Y-you can fill up my underdeveloped womb...!" -> "You can always use my underdeveloped kiddie womb...!"
"I just said something outrageous..." -> "I'm being made to say something crazy..."
"w-with your semen anytime you want from now on, sensei...!" -> "A-and fill me up with sensei's semen every day...!"
"I want you to always... fill me up until you're dry...!!" -> "until you're dried up... and completely satisfied...!!"

31:
"And you can't get pregnant... Because you're still a kid...!" -> "Even though you're just a brat... who can't get pregnant yet...!"
"
"I want to bear your baby soon, sensei...!" -> "I want to have your baby shoon, shenshei...!"
sign on wall: "Run in the halls, you die." [tried to keep it as short as possible]

32:


33:
turn the *chup* to *slurp* and *chuu/chu* to *kiss* imo.

34:
"Zeh"s to "Sheh"s

35:
"I won't make an excuse!" -> "I have no excuses!"
"I just can't leave a perverted lolicon teacher such as you alone!" -> "I can't just let a ravenously perverted lolicon teacher like you run loose!"
take out the "So" from the next sentence.

36:
"He doesn't seem right in the head..." -> "He doesn't seem that bright..."
"Indeed..." -> "That was really great, wasn't it..."

Locker God. ? END